Ask Auntie Roger
by Jasper-and-Carlisle
Summary: From the same people who brought you 'Ask Auntie Carlisle', Roger Davis answers your questions! Beware of Mark being OOC a little and some 'Twilight' references.
1. CAIDS

Dear Auntie Roger,

Dear Auntie Roger,

My chihuahua "Fabio" has a "DISEASE!" (AIDS?) What should I do? I took it to the vet, and vet was all like, "asdfghjkl;sdf" and I was like, "question mark?"

-- Jasper Whitlock-Hale

Dear Jasper,

Aren't you a veggie-vamp? Meaning why do you have a Chihuahua? Anywho… I doubt your Chihuahua has AIDS, Jasper! I don't think anyone's discovered CAIDS yet. Eh, maybe "Fabio" can be the first case. Just make sure he doesn't pull an April and commit suicide. Oh… April…

BACK AT THE …

"Once upon a time, there was a young, beautiful girl," Mark began.

"Do I need to hear this story for your next movie?" I asked, already annoyed. It was a few months after April… yeah… Anways, I wasn't in the mood. Understandable, right?  
No. Of course not. Stupid Mark.

"Yes. Now let me continue," Mark answered. "This girl's name was Bella. Now, Bella, you see, was a whore. A really _really_ big whore. She had a boy—"

"You know, for being a filmmaker, you'd think he could tell better stories," Collins murmured. I almost laughed. Almost.

"I heard that, and shut up," Mark said before he kept going. "Well, Bella had a boyfriend, Jacob, he was the singer in a band. Jacob was very in love with Bella, and didn't really care that she cheated on him with Tyler, Eric, Mike, and (mostly) Edward. Okay, I lied, he did care, but only about Edward. Back to Bella… She was a whore. Really big one. Jake loved her. A lot. She did drugs? Did I say that? No? She did. A lot.

"One day, she went to the doctor 'cause she thought she was preggers. That does happen when ya sleep around like she does. And, Jake, loving guy he was, went with her. He wanted to be a dad, really badly. Besides, maybe Bella would actually stay with him! So, yeah, they were at the doctor's office, and..." Mark looked around. "Hold on guys, I gotta pee."  
Collins looked at me as Mark went to the loo. "I think I know how this is gonna end…"

"Question mark?" I asked.

"Never mind."  
Mark then came out of the bathroom. "'Kay, guys, where we left off, Bella the whore & Jake the nice guy were at the doc's. They were just chilling in the waiting room, Bella trying to rape Jake as usual. The doc comes out, holding the test results, and calls them into his office

"'Bella, I'm sorry to inform you… You aren't pregnant. You have AIDS.'"

When I heard this, I realized what was happening. Mark was making a movie of my life. Bella was about to go suicidal on Jake. Her parents (Charlie & Renee, I later learned) blamed him for not saving her. Stupid Bella. She had to go sleep with Eddie, the druggie. Stupid whore.

Anyways, I got up and hit Mark. I ended winning our little fight. Mark got a blackeye before Collins broke it up. Mark the Mama's Boy told his mother. I had another mother mad at me. Cool.

BACK TO THE LETTER

Anywho, Jasper, don't let Fabio commit suicide. Fabdog's 'rents will be mad at you, your significant other will be mad at you, hell, all your friends & family will be mad at you. It's not fun. I should know.

--Auntie Roger


	2. Heinz and Dr Ducksworth

Dear Auntie Roger,

Dear Auntie Roger,

My friend has a problem. She always points out the obvious. Can you help? Please?

-- Jim … called Jim

Dear … Jim,

What you should do is smack her, hire Edward to annoyingly touch her face, or have Mimi bestow your friend with many candles to light and then promptly blow them out. This could sidetrack your friend and they could forget to be Chairman Obvious.

BACK AT THE DOTDOTDOT…

Angel and Collins had boisterously entered out house. Angel was carrying a gift basket filled with assorted shower stuff.

"Zee oh em ef gee be be que!" Mark squealed, rummaging through the basket, "I HAZ FOUND RUBBER DUCKEH!"

"Good, Mark!" Angel patted the overwhelmed Jew-Boy atop his noggin.

"Um… this is mine," Mark hugged the ducky o' rubber to his torso.

"'kay," Angel smiled at Mark as if the latter were a two-year-old opening gifts on Hanukkah.

"Oh em gee. Ihavearubberduckieeee. Iamsoexcited. OH EM GEE!" Mark pranced about the apartment. Collins threw a stray rock at him.

"OOOOWWW!" Mark screeched, picking up the rock and examining it, "Whadda frick, Collins?!"

"Really, Mark, getta hold of yourself!" Collins reasoned. Philosophy teachers tend to do that a lot.

"Didja name it?!" Mark asked.

"Um… no… I dunno, call it Heinz."

"HEINZ! He and Roger can be besties!" Mark grinned.

"What?!" I put down my guitar and looked at my roommate in surprise.

"Roger is meh duckeh. I named him after you!" Mark smiled like Edward Cullen touching Bella' face or "charming" her collarbone.

"Eh… how about Doctor Ducksworth, Mark?" Angel suggested.

Mark's face lit up. He hugged the rubber bird and the object composed of 2+ minerals again.

"I HAZ A ROCK NAMED HEINZ AND A DUCKEH O' RUBBER CALLED DR. DUCKSWORTH!!" Mark trotted about the room, then disappeared into the hallway.

"You'd think he'd get by now that we don't care," Collins sighed, putting his head on his hand.

"S'kay, Pookie, Mark likes to state the obvious," Angel said.

"Did you just… Pookie?" Collins asked, confused.

Angel laughed it was good.

BACK TO THE LETTER…

So, I hoped that helped you, Mr so-called Jim. Mark does like his duckies rubber and his rocks German.

- Rogerrrrrrr (Chihuaroger)


End file.
